Mommy Can I

Some of you may not know, but I’ve just recently started posting about it, is that my Husband was married before. He was married for 7 years to HER, we call her IT, and they had 2 children; a boy and a girl. I met and married Husband 1 1/2 years after they divorced, and since that time, life hasn’t always been easy with IT in it.

Husband’s kids are now 16 and soon to be 15. 16 will be graduating in 2011, 15 in 2013. Now, child support is supposed to stop at 18, or graduation. Unfortunately, in his court papers, it states that the parents will agree or the court will decide on secondary education, college. We are now in the midst of that argument with IT.

Husband is drafting a letter to IT this week. I’ve only proofread and only added one piece of the letter on the fact that in CA residents don’t pay tuition for community colleges, only enrollment fees per unit, which equals $20 per unit!

I’m just a little upset by it all because Husband has done the right thing by making sure he always had a job to pay his child support, made sure that the jobs he had provided medical/dental coverage for the children, made sure to at least send a card on their birthday and at Christmas, and remember them for special occasions like the birth of OUR children, their brother and sister.

For someone that obviously still has so much anger for Husband, IT seems to feel that because Husband hasn’t been around, he should pay for their college.

Now, in NH there was a significant court ruling last month where a dad had promised to pay for college instead of paying alimony to his wife, and after a year of paying for college he decided he didn’t want to do that anymore, so a NH court ruled that the court papers where this agreement was reached was null, and the dad didn’t have to pay for his child’s college. See: http://www.seacoastonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20090131/NEWS/90131013&emailAFriend=1

Now, when Husband’s divorce was final, he was in basic training, and then onto AIT. His attorney spoke in his absence, but wasn’t able to confer with Husband about these issues. So, the only thing that helps Husband is that the court will have to decide because he is not going to agree to anything with IT because she renigs on her promises. She promised to put the proceeds from the sale of the family home in trust for the kids college education, but Husband didn’t get that in writing so as far as she’s concerned, that promise never existed.

Although I had my first few years of college paid for by my parents, it came with great sacrafice. If I had been made to help foot the bill for a part of my education, maybe I would’ve finished. I’m not saying that I wasn’t appreciative, but because I felt my social activity was more important during my later college years, had I been made to pay for my tuition myself, I might not have flunked out. My fault, not my parents fault. They gave me evey chance to succeed. After many years of absence from school, I finally finished my degree in 2004 and am now paying back my loans. Amazing how wanting to get an A because if I didn’t, that was money I lost out on and still had to pay back.

I can see both sides of the argument; however, for children that have no regard for their father’s feelings, I fear that if he is pay for their college, they won’t appreciate the hard work and sacrafice to give them that education.

IT has had many chances over the years to be a little more supportive of Husband’s attempts to contact his children, and to have a relationship. It’s never been about the kids, and if they ever had come to visit, then her bubble would burst and she’d have no more value in their eyes. She’s right, he’s wrong and there’s no in between.

I’ll keep this updated. Right now, it’s just words, but it could be court action pretty soon. We are looking at next year for legal action because that’s when Husband will be filing his paperwork to discontinue support for 16 once she graduates in 2011.

Oh, for those of you that don’t know our story, IT makes $80K/year and lives VERY comfortably in CA in her $500K home! Not that I care, but it just goes to show that money cannot buy you happiness.

When Husband and the EX exchange financial information to see if there is enough change to facilitate a review of child support. There is a significant change, in that, we had Winks last year, so we could ask for a review. Based on the numbers we came up with and sent out to her, support would go down at least $150/mo. Of course, I’m positive that EX will not seek to go before the judge to ask for a modification that it increase, because it won’t happen. She stands to lose 2 of her credits that she currently gets under the old order for day care and counseling, which neither of the kids need or are in.

I’ve got mixed feelings about this. Although it would benefit us to not have to pay out an extra $150/mo, I don’t know that we want to bring that chaos and stress of a court hearing into our lives right now. However, if we don’t do it, she still gets all that money extra that she’s not really entitled to anymore.

The next review period is when oldest SD will be a senior in HS and WE will need to go back to have the order changed for only one of them begining May 2010. Support can be paid up to age 19, which the judge could order, but until college choices have been decided, we dont’ have any idea on how that wil play out. The state Husband’s order is in does not require the non-custodial parent to pay for college, or the custodial for that matter. So, it’s hard for me to see the judge awarding college expenses to EX since she’s NEVER made Husband pay for private schooling all these years, and extracurricular activities. After all, that’s kind of what child support is to be for, to pay for any extras, as well.

If judge were to order support till age 19 for both of Husband’s other children, then we can deal with that. At that time, we will be in a more financially sound place and DH has paid his support every month in full since the first order was entered in 1997. He has always provided for them, as he could. The only thing he wishes he had more of, was time with his children. With EX having all the control, and Husband attempting several times over the years to either talk to, see, or chat with the children, EX has always made it near impossible and impossible for him to do so. When you have someone reading every letter that comes into the house, listening to every phone message, reading every e-mail and deciding whether or not she wants them to see it or hear it, that is just totally wrong.

I believe that one day EX will get what is coming to her, which will be resentment from the children for keeping them from knowing and seeing their father.

Every year, Husband’s ex usually sends us report cards so that he can see how they are progressing in school. We don’t get many more volunteered information about the kids, but it’s nice to see that they are excelling in school.

Son #1 is getting straight A’s finally. He had a bit of a struggle earlier in his education, but seems to be doing fine now. Daughter #1 has started high school and has realized that she MUST study. These are her words, not ours. She did manage to get A’s and B’s, but she got her first ever C’s during the school year.

I don’t post much about the kids from Husband’s first marriage, because frankly, I don’t know much about them. I have met them, when they were 5 and 6, talked to them a few times, but that’s about it. They don’t call and when Husband does call they usually aren’t home or don’t call back. This was the first year that Husband DID NOT get a Father’s Day card. I didn’t bring it up, but I know he had to be thinking of that.

Ex seems to use the report cards as a way to flaunt that they are in private schools. It’s kind of her way of “see, I told you they would do better in private schools” type of dig at Husband. He has always believed that the kids didn’t NEED private schools, but in CA ex says that it’s necessary because the schools aren’t good. She chose to move there, so it’s really her own personal choice. We cannot afford to send Scoober to private schools, we just compensate for anything he may be lacking at home.

That’s enough about that. This will turn into more of a rant than showing that we are proud of the kids and that they are excelling in school.

Well, I called the CA kids dentist to find out why they had not cashed the 2 checks we had sent for payment of dental claims we had received insurance benefits for. At first, the lady tried to tell me that they didn’t have any record of payment. It wasn’t until I told her I had a signed return receipt from their office that she said they would look through their files. Guess what? They found them!

Also, I called Honeyhusband’s insurance to find out if this was the first filing of these claims since they were over a year old and nothing was filed with insurance until 2008. Yep, this was the first they had received the claims. SHE tried to tell us that it was somehow my honeyhusband’s fault and he was holding EOBs and not sending them to her, and that it was the insurance’s fault also because the dental office had tried to file the claims and nothing was processed. Clearly the dental office was trying to cover up their bolo because if they had tried to file the claims in 2007, and there was a problem, the insurance company would’ve issued an EOB so there would be a correction.

Not sure if we are going to respond to HER letter to us claiming that it was honeyhusband’s and the insurance company’s fault. Don’t even know if it’s worth it, because nothing is every anyone elses fault.

Just glad we were able to find out what was going on!

I’ve not really decided how much I’m going to post about this issue, but I think there are things that might help others that are in my situation.

I met and married the man of my dreams. As I was growing up, I didn’t see HOW my finding this man would happen, but I found him. Husband had been married before and had 2 children in that marriage. This marriage ended because of infidelity on the EX WIFE’s part. Husband tried to make it work, even after finding out, but EX WIFE didn’t want to work it out. Instead, she took his children, saying at first she would be reasonable, but went back on her word, once again!

Anyway, I knew all this before I married my Dear Husband (DH), and I was okay with it. He was not this terrible person that she had in her view of him. I won’t get into all the details, and I am writing a book about all this, so in about 5 years, I’ll get my book written and post it. HA!

My DH is a wonderful man, loving father, loving husband, and a hardworker. We have struggled most of our life together, not being able to afford the lavous vacation that his other kids have enjoyed, but we are happy and love each other very much.

We have 2 wonderful children that we just love to death. DH was very hesitant in having children again, in fear that he might not see them grow up either. Once he realized that I wasn’t like his EX WIFE, then he let himself love again and let himself believe he could be happy. And so we are!

My struggles in step-life haven’t been getting along with his children, rather to tolerate and try to get along with his EX WIFE. We don’t see his children, and we rarely hear from them unless it’s his birthday. DH calls them on holidays, birthdays and sometimes in between. This is our life and SHE will not allow anymore contact than that, except for snail mail letters that we never know if SHE lets them read or not.

Lately, things have been quiet (I’m knocking on wood now!), but we are wondering why we are having issues with their dental care at the current moment. We never know when they visit the doctor, or go to the dentist until we receive the EOB. The most current problem is that we’ve sent 2 checks to the dentist they go to. This is money that was reimbursed by the insurance company and sent to my DH, and he in turn wrote a check and sent it to the dentist. They have not cashed them, and the first one was sent in March.

I find it frustrating that SHE doesn’t use in-network providers so they would get payment and it wouldn’t be sent to us. I find it frustrating that SHE didn’t update the insurance, or follow-up with the dentist on their visits and that an entire year has passed and the supplemental insurance we carry won’t pay for their visits. I find it frustrating that SHE believes it’s all his fault for some reason.

I won’t go on any longer, because frankly, she’s not worth my time or energy. I would just like to post from time to time about my step-life. Not to complain, just to vent or voice my frustration. I love my husband and I wouldn’t change my life at all. I just wish other people (HER), would just move on and let him see his children and just be more civil towards us. Personally, I think she’s jealous of our life together, even though we don’t have much, but she’s still single (dating same man for a LONG time) and doesn’t seem like a very happy person.